In Memories of My Grandfather
My grandfather passed away in 1999... which is 3 years ago coz I (i.e. my family) follows the chinese lunar calender... so today, is his death anniversary... hmm... been 3 years liao... seriously... but then depends on how you look at it... 3 years may be nothing to a person but to others it may means a lot...
My grandfather is your really traditional asian grandfather... he really adores me... when I was young, he will always bring me around, and show off to others... seriously... i think he kinda spoilt me... not say i am a big piece of sh*t now lahz... but just that i think i sort of took after his notorious big temper from him, his stubborness and etc etc... my grandfather is a good man... but then again, every man is entitled to some kinda of short-comings... my grandfather has a very good heart... but sometimes the kind of things he do is really puzzling....
But then i really like him... but the screw up things is i guess the puberty thingy tat i was going through at that time kinda make me stayed away from him... he is always scolding people... scolding and cursing... i think he is doing this to get the attention he want... but the more he do that, the more i wanted to stay away from him... kinda like a vicious cycle... really... call it regret?? call it guilt?? i dunnoe... i really should have spend more time with him... sometimes the unforgettable image of him sitting in his room playing card by himself or staring at the ceiling really really kills me... and to think that when i was young i always turn to him when i got into trouble... hmm... and i was not there for him when he needed someone... hmm... i am not crying... the tears kinda dried... everytime i go back to taiwan, walking past his room will always be something i dread... the screw up feeling just kills me... it is like he live on the 2nd floor and mine is on the third... so everytime when i climb the stairs up to my room... definitely will see his room... but only now he is no longer sitting there... no more sound of him banging the table as he curse and swear... no more of him spitting on the floor and letting my mom to wipe it for him...
I miss him... i only dreamt of him twice... but i forgot how it was like in the second time i dream of him... i just remember each time waking up with my pillow soaked... hmm... i chanted a sutra for him early this morning... not that he will need it... coz i noe he is in a good place up there... despite what my grandfather may seems on the outside, he is a great person deep down... that is all that matters... so he is in good place... i am sure... me leh???? hmm... i dunnoe... not a good person yet... not good enough... still must control my temper... the thing now is that i dun ACT when my temper comes up... so that can have two interpretation.... one is that i am getting better... or maybe the fact that i am just numb... but eventually my goal is not to have any feel of anger at all... i can do it... my temper is really the biggest problem that i have... i really must conquer it... then i can say that i am a better person... yupyup...
posted by David at 10/05/2002 09:48:00 PM