Army Daze
Wenduan went in a couple of days ago... i bloody screwed up the time zone thingy... and missed calling him.... which got me totally depressed and mad at myself... seriously... and tianyu will go in later today in a couple of hour's time... shit... Dec only need to see two of them going in... dread the coming of Jan... almost everyone is going in then... shit...
When leaving singapore, it was seriously hard.... leaving my family and bros... last time i am always with them, or they are just a phone call away... or i just head down orchard and surely will see them one... and leaving singapore means cannot see them any more... shit... it was hard... but still got icq... still got email... can still keep contact... so still can... still be brave... but now this...
Probably not able to talk to them for the next 3-5 months... alamak... hate this... this means i might as well not use my icq for the next 3 - 5 months... might as well not check my email.... i am not tat type of person tat will only miss things when they are gone... but one thing you ppl need to know about me is that i can really really do a good job of telling lies to myself... and making me believe so good in it... i SAW this coming... but i keep telling me it is not tat big deal... tat we can still keep contact... still get to tok to one another... hahaha... yeah sure... a**hole...
i dun want to get nostalgic here... but seriously... will miss those bunch of goushi when they are gone for that 3-5 month in tekong... nope... i am not crying... at least... not as much as when i did the last time i did in the RJ canteen after the JAE results are announced... hmm... hahah.. childish right... damn pathetic right... already 19 years of age and still cry like a kid sometimes... muahahah... hmm... but this is just me... like a puffer fish... trying to puff myself up really hard... to have a strong and scary outside... but hahah.. inside... not much... just all the tears and the bleeding tat i try to hide... coz i dun even want to see them myself...
try to believe that i am brave... try to believe tat i am fearless... try to be strong... maybe this is growing up... if this is the case... then i had grown up... i learned to put on a mask... a mask that is dun tell ppl any hint of who i really am... a mask that i force myself to put on... and can only be taken down when no one else is around... when no one else is looking... so tat i can let the tears and blood tat had flooded behind that mask to come out... why??? so that i can put on the mask again to face the world... and to clear up the space behind that mask to allow them to be filled up again... maybe one day... the frequency of me needing to take down that mask will get less... and i will probably stop crying all together... and probably also lose the ability to bleed... why??? maybe coz i am already really strong and brave that no one can make me cry or bleed... or maybe the tears simply ran dry... or there is no more blood for me to bleed...
I am not all tat depress and hopeless really... the finals are around the corner... trying real hard to study now... but tianyu just pinged me on icq... "hey hi....this will probably be the last chat for quite some time..." hahah... dude... will miss you... no gaying here... will pray hard for you... be strong... be positive... no self-pity... be brave... be so brave that you scare yourself... all the best in the NS dude... it is only goodbye for now... think of the better times tat will come... seriously... when i get all sad and depress and lonely here... this is wat i think... i think about all the good times i had with you ppl... and all the good times tat will come... seriously... it is really not tat bad if you really think of it... someday...
SHE'S SAYS: WE'VE GOT TO HOLD ON TO WHAT WE'VE GOT
IT DOESN'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE IF WE MAKE IT OR NOT
WE'VE GOT EACH OTHER AND THAT'S A LOT
FOR LOVE - WE'LL GIVE IT A SHOT
WHOA, WE'RE HALFWAY THERE
OH, LIVIN' ON A PRAYER
TAKE MY HAND AND WE'LL MAKE IT - I SWEAR
OH, LIVIN' ON A PRAYER
part of the song Livin' On A Prayer by Bon Jovi
posted by David at 12/12/2002 05:42:00 PM