ok... i am a little depressed... why... maybe it is the fact that the finals are coming up and the fact that i am totally prepared to be screwed... or maybe it is just the fact that so much happened this term...
It is funny how the phrase "The worse that can happen, will happen" ALWAYS happen to me... hahaha... we talk about how some of our believes are constantly challenged in life... and that each time it is challenged, we emerge stronger than b4... hmm.... they forgot the possibility of a person emerging totally confused and demoralised...
Anyway... i am a little sad RIGHT NOW... of the fact that all my bros are having their prom nite today... i did not graduate from primary school when i was in taiwan... and my primary school days in singapore is purely disastrous... so basically... the only schooling memory that i really care, and have a complete picture of, will be (shit... i am getting bored saying this again...) my days in Raffles Institution... coz i neva graduate from JC mah... (well... if i had stayed... i would neva have been able to graduate anyway... muahahahha....) so... now wat??? i am suppose to tell the whole world that the ONLY so-call prom i ever went to was with this bunch of guys?!?!? er... i dun think this will really look good on me... muahahah... and that grad party was seriously a joke... pls... ppl went there in T-shirts and everything... hahaha... i went there in a pair of jeans and Hawaiian shirt... alamak... WHAT KIND OF PROM IS TAT?!?!?!? ~!@#$%^ and some more it is held in the stupid Singapore Swimming Club... shit... could still remember that time every Sec school ppl in those singaporean IRC channels were saying while everyone will be wearing gowns and tux to their prom, RI boys will wear swimming trunks to their grad dinner.... shit... how good was that??? hmm... i also dunnoe why i am so depressed or sad over this thing... maybe (probably it IS) the fact that i am missing out on the so-call the ultimate nite of fun and memory... and while my bros are all dressed up handsomely and having fun and everything... i am stuck here... not with them....come to think of it... i have neva really dress up for an event... neva worn those really really formal attire b4... even last time wear school tie also neva wear properly... muahahahaha... shirt neva tuck in... pants was like super baggy and so long that it sweeps the ground as i walk... hair was always a disaster... hmm... oh shit... not very good memories here... muahahah.... but those were the fun days...*sign*
Dun get me wrong... University life is pretty fun in itself... different type of fun... different type of stress... so different that i am not even sure my friends in singapore will understand me when i tell them... so sometimes i feel so lonely... of course i have friends here... new good friends tat i can share my problems with... but maybe it is unfair to say... but these ppl here dun really noe me as well as my bro... they haven seen me in both my good and bad days... neva sweat over stuff with me... but still not all type of friendship are the same... and maybe tat is why i will always hold my bros so dearly... even though some of them might have changed... but it is kinda sad that those familiar numbers i will call last time or those ppl i will chat online when i am stress or depress dun understand my problems anymore... cannot blame them also... JC life is afterall... not University life... and life here in US is totally different from life in Singapore... or Taiwan for that matter... I dun want to tell them all the shit that happen to me... but by doing that...and telling them only the fun and good things that i have... i think i had did a horrible thing of painting to them too rosy a picture of a University life... hmm.... i generally dun like ppl to worry about me... i tok crap 99.9% of the time... coz i think it is fun... i dun like to be serious... i like to tell ppl those outrageous things i see or hear... but sometimes... that is all that i will end up talking about... coz i think it is fun... and ppl are interested in hearing such things from me... but... i think it end up making ppl not taking me seriously when i need them to... which is not really that often... but tat makes it all the more shit... coz when i really really need them... they dun seem to get the intensity of things... hahaha.... not very good....
So when i say i am not feeling too good now.... i am not even sure myself of just how NOT GOOD a shape i am in... when i say i miss home... when i say i miss sitting at Taka with Kaihong or with Ben at J8 chilling out or working out with KP in the gym or pio-ing galz in orchard with Chunyi, KP, Ron and JiaHwee... i am not even sure if i really NEED that to happen or if i am just being childish and not strong... but i noe for a fact that these things are just me daydreaming.... it will never happen again... these ppl are going into NS... and even if they are not going into NS... i will not be going back to singapore... so maybe it is just the fact that i am so stress that i want to be with those goushi again... or maybe i really miss them... argh... heck... i dun even noe wat i am talking about... i am not organising my thoughts at all... i am just typing watever that comes to mind... but i really need to get things thing out of myself... coz i am really really tired... i dun look like it... but i am definitely not feeling good... and stress as hell... i am losing sleep... my sleeping patterns are disrupted... i try to relax... but i am having headache and feel like vomitting for no reason... well... typical symptons of stress... reason??? maybe of the fact that i am not doing so well this term... maybe the fact that i am totally homesick... maybe the fact that i am feeling betrayed by some ppl that i call a friend for a long time... maybe the fact that i have not being exercising and that i am getting fatter and fatter... maybe.... maybe.... hahaha.... i dunnoe...
Wat i do noe... is the fact that my finals are burning my ass... and that i really really need to get a hold of my own life... or else... i have the first final (physics lab) tomorrow at 6... then poli sci final on the 10 Dec, then Cal and Physics final on the auspicious date of Friday, 13 Dec... and the last paper... Engineering C++ programming on the 17 Dec... hahahah... lab should be no problem... but the scores so far are all really close... so i hope i dun flop.... i am still my usual nervous self for my poli sci... i seem to noe wat is going on... but i am just nervous... i will have to start doing my own notes AGAIN.. just in case... muahahah... i am really paranoid for my poli sci... Cal and Physics is pure disaster... i can only concentrate on one to do it... so i am still planning on my revison schedule for these two... the C++ thingy... er.... start praying... i am getting only the basic stuff right... i can say now i am expert now with the IF and While loop statements... but the array, double and Matlab stuff is just beyond me... so er... see wat i can do lahz... i think i will only revise for this course after my Cal and Physics paper... if not i will risk not being well prepared for these two course also... hmm... sounds like a plan?!?!? hahah... being a while since i do such cleaning out of my brain... oh well... more will come after my finals... hahaha...
posted by David at 12/04/2002 11:02:00 AM