Time: A day in 1998
Place: 2H classroom in Bishan Raffles Institution, two rows from the back
I was at my personal best... making a totally nuisance of myself... and the target??? Koh Liang Shuo... (RI and VJC)... i forgot wat exact things i did to him or why i started "ga jiao-ing" him... but i remember something he said till this day... "FUCKER... can you stop being so childish and grow up?!?!? look around you lahz... you are the only asshole tat has not grown up..."
Why this story?? hmm... coz wat LS said has ALWAYS zoom in and out of my mind... cannot shake away... i am always having trouble with the idea of "growing up"... after many attempts... i found out that growing up is not about dressing in while long sleeve shirt and black color business pants... it is not about not laughing like a donkey (or... simply not laughing the way i do....) it is not about the kind of thing you talk about (i.e. comic book... dragonball... pokemon... etc etc...) but something deep within... something INSIDE... so tat is basically my problem... if growing up is something tat is more OBVIOUS... then i should not have problem with tat... but here we are talking about something really abstract... so what is the standard or definition of a GROWN up?!?!? hmm... dun think i have the answer...
Ben sent me his RJC prom nite photos... WoW... first i must say some of the 1A01E galz look really really nice that night lor... top vote go to Mabelle Jie and Xinyi lor... hmm... look really elegant i would say... hahah...
anyway... then i saw photos of my RI friends.. They changed so much... so so so so so so much... i could hardly recognised some of them... esp ChangYong... i was searching thru Ben's online album TWICE... coz i know he and ChangYong good buddy... so definitely will take photo with him... and i went pass that photo TWICE... oh no... i see that goushi for FOUR goddamn years... and now is only less than a year since i last saw him... and he changed SOOOO much that i cannot recognise him!!! and to make me feel worse... i was SEARCHING FOR HIM... tat means i was scrutinisig EVERY photo as i see them... and i only could figure out it was him on the third try... oh my.. oh my... wat is going on?!?!? and ChangYong is basically the MOST horrible/extreme case... some of the others also changed like mad... then i look at myself in the mirror... held my old RI class photo beside my face... except for the hair... which is now sorta GONE... i look exactly the same... no change... no change... no change... ARGH... WHY?!?!? i think this is relative... if ppl change... and you neva... tat means you neva grow up... relatively speaking... and tat is depressing... i think i been thru so much... (i won't say more than my peers... such comparison is stupid and unfair) but i think i been thru so much... why hasn't anything like leave a mark on my face or anything to tat extend??? still have that "arrogant" look when i dun smile... and still look like a clown when i do... so wat's so different about me now in 2002 compared to 1998 when LS scolded me for now being grown up??? hmm... dun think so... hmm... asked EngMeng about this just now... he sorta reassured me that i dun think i changed coz i look at myself everyday... but i am not sure if i want to agree to that... i listen to myself everyday... i replay wat i did in my head every time... hmm... everything seems to be the same... no diff... coz if something is different.. i would sense it... though i may not be able to pinpoint it... hmm... not very good really... not good...
posted by David at 12/07/2002 02:18:00 PM