Can't sleep last night... very troubled... just lied in my bed doing some self reflection and thinking... obviously something prop-ed up and cause such repurcussion... and i am feeling totally helpless about this whole situation...
If there is one thing anyone need to know about me... is that the two most important things in my life are my family and my friends... no ranking... same importance to me... i am willing to do ANYTHING for my family and my friends... they are everything to me... if i need to die for them, i will not hesitate... nothing can come between me and my family and friends (but of course sometimes the question to ask will be what if one comes in between me and the other one... but so far so good... so i am not losing sleep over this yet...)
but last night, something screwed up on both sides... not me screwing them up... but tat both sides had some problems and tat totally saddened me... first is my family...
First is my grandma... both my paternal grandma and maternal grandma... the thing about my maternal grandma is the same old story... i was not able to contact her in taiwan for our weekly chat... and i hate it... i only get to call her once a week... on saturday night... to have like a few minute chat with someone whom i considered to be the greatest person to ever walk on planet earth. She is incredibly great... nicest person you can ever imaging... funkiest grandma you can get (she is 70+ and yet still learning ENGLISH!!! ) yet she is so traditional that it is so cute to see the way she behave... trying to understand her is like trying to understand my mom and my aunts... grandma did a fantastic job in bringing up her kids... they are all just fantastic people... hmm...the list goes on... but the crux of things is just tat she is great... and i totally adore her... so i was quite upset when i can't contact her this week... but then again this is not the first time so i am not overly upset... it is wat happened with my paternal grandma tat really upset me...
OK... to be fair... i am closer to my maternal grandma than my paternal grandma... so i dun call my paternal grandma all the time... but still both are my elders and i show them the respect they deserve... so i have been trying to contact my paternal grandma since CNY eve... but cannot reach her... you see.. .she is down with a stroke a few yrs back.. and neva really recover... so she is in like a daze most of the time... but last month, my parents took her to singapore for treatment by this chinese qi gong master... and miraculously she could understand wat ppl tok about and could tok kinda good... but then she went back to my uncle's place... sigh... you noe wat... she is basically left all alone in that house with a maid tat cannot even take care of my grandma properly... so when i finally managed to reach her on saturday, she was back to her daze mode... cannot listen to wat i say and can only mumble stuff i can't comprehend... this is family matter.. but i am just upset why my grandma is being treated this way... my uncle is suppose to take care of her... but half the time he and his wife are not at home... the old lady is already so sick and stuff, can't they just spend more time with her??? kk... i noe they got their life... but the thing is, they spend more time with the wife's parents than my grandma... how you justify tat??? i am just sick by this... you got to keep the momentum and exercise going in order for a patient suffering from stroke to get better... leaving her all alone in the house with a maid tat can't be bothered with her, of course you expect her to be in daze and such wat... a normal person if you dun tok to ppl all the time and such also can get daze and blur and such... wat more a lady who is already down with stroke and multiple illnesses... i am just feeling very very upset... my family use to take care of her... but she was taken away from us for some reason which i dun really want to talk about... but really i am upset and sad...
then there is the sucker punch... which totally knocked me out...
i had a really rough time in NJ... i hated tat place.. i dun see myself taking out from that school anything... i was depress and angry... most of my memories in tat place is darkness.. 'cept for two guys... i did have a core group of gang in NJ... but it is these two guys tat really light up my days in NJ... the only happy memories i had in NJ were all with them... without them, i really really would have done something stupid and totally gone insane... developing a friendship with the two of them was something i neva expected to happen... come on man... one is from ACS(I) while the other one is some weirdo from some international school... yet we did so much stuff together tat i totally adore them and such...
I remember once in NJ i was really upset... forgot why... something happened tat totally pissed me off... it was PE lesson... and i was angry and was telling my PE teacher Mr Chee how fucked up this place is... and i say i am afraid and i dun want to leave this school with only an A level degree... i could still remember how Mr Chee replied me... he held up this clipboard he had in his hand and pointed to tat two guys who are standing on my both sides... and said,"wat about these two??? worse come to worse you will still have these two with you when you leave NJ wat..." i was stunned... Mr Chee was right... i will be leaving NJ with great memories of all the fun and all the shit me and tat two guys went thru together... and from tat day on, i treasure their friendship even more...
they were there till the last moment till i went onto the plane when i left singapore to come US... with the rest of my NJ ruggers... ron, jiahwee and shi wang... the six of us are the gang... WE ARE THE MOST ELECTRIFYING AND FUNKY PEOPLE THAT NJC AS EVER SEEN!!! yet i am really closest to these two guys... so these two guys are very very important to me...
and guess wat... they are no longer friends... i sorta know something was wrong long time ago... but i cannot and DUN want to confirm it... the point of conflict???? over a girl... the exact details i dunnoe... but basiclly is tat one guy went after the ex of the other guys... but somehow i think the other guy is still not over tat girl... you noe... relationship is a messy.... always messy... you one is right and no one is wrong... and only idiots will try to make a judgement... i am an idiot... but not TAT idiotic... so i cannot and will not make any judgement or take side... but right now... i am stuck in the middle... one guy dun want to hear the name of the other guy... they are not hanging out... i hate this... i hate it when two friends fuck each other up over a girl... to me, it is neva worth it... so i took an ostrich attitude about this... i keep my distance from my friend's girl... i neva really tok to them... even if i have crush or watever, i control my feelings even if the two of them are no longer together... i dun need this rubbish... this kind of thing dun come between me and my brothers... but while i decide to take such attitude of neva to get close to my friend's girlfriend or ex-girlfriend or compete with a friend over a girl, it dun mean tat others will do the same thing... the last time such thing happened it really broke my heart more than i was willing to say... two best friends in RI... fought over a girl and till now still no sign of mending up... and how this... this is just messy... tat's why i was neva in a relationship... and i think i may neva be... i hate to be in a messy or sticky situation... so nope... not happening... but i am just really sad and upset... i can't sleep over the whole nite... i dun understand... am i the only one tat is taking the whole situation so seriously?? am i the only one tat is making some extreme weird sacrifice in order to keep my relationship with friends from being harmed??? you have any idea how many girls i had gave up trying to know just because i heard my friend telling ppl tat he is interested??? i am not saying tat had i not gave up trying to know i would have gotten the point... but i am not even taking any chance... i noe this probably sound ridiculous... but wat could i do??? i dun want anything have a chance to jeopardize/compromise my friendships...
and the fact that these two ppl are no longer hanging out means tat my fond memories i had in NJ are more or less shattered... the two source of joy and happiness i had... the two treasures i took with me when i left NJ is gone... i am upset... very upset... feel like crying... my memories... it is sad... very upsetting... and i can't do anything about it... nothing...
posted by David at 2/16/2003 01:45:00 PM