We all wish to think tat we are in full control of our life... and tat wat we do is no business of others... but the sad truth is... every action we do... will some how affect others... either in a positive or a negative way... now... why do i say this...
I neva finish JC... unlike my batch mates... i "ran away" from JC after a year n 3 mths... to me... it is a personal decision... i can't stand the system... i was not doing well in JC... i hate wat i was learning... blah blah blah... so i want to jump ahead and get into a University... and fortunate enough... i was able to get into university of michigan... life is so good to me tat i can hardly believe it... but yes... i was really really fortunate to be able to make it here... ok... but the fact is... my family is running on really tight budget to send me here to study... i am basically using up all my family's savings to come here to study... n tat... is a fact tat not many ppl noe... n i just dun go around telling everyone i meet...
well... right now... my friends just got back their A level results... so been keeping in touch with them... and suddenly... i realise tat the fact tat i am in UofM now... has created an impact on them... from my point of view... i thought i could possibly be a source of insipiration for them... coz if a loser... a real loser like me can get into such a great uni... then hardworking and smart folks like them of course should have more confidence in wat they do and draw inspiration from me so to speak mah... but i realise tat is not the case... they are more jealous/envious abt me than anything... they feel the fact tat i can get away from tat A level crap tat they have to suffer is something which they cannot stand... in fact... to quote from a girl i spoke to the other day... "i think you are just some rich brat who happily just took off and run away to US when you dun like it here..."
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i really dunnoe wat to say... i din noe ppl will take this in such a negative way... to me, i think it is a way of me to fight against the system and be in control of my life... i mean... i was sinking while i was in singapore... i was dying... and there is no way/chance of me surviving there anymore... and the only option is to leave and start anew... coupled with the fact that i want to come to US sooner or later... and many of my friends will probably do the same thing... but i mean to me, there is no real need to finish the A level right or not??? if i can get into a top University without the A level... (and let us be reminded tat the greatest reason why someone would want to study A level is to get into University eventually right?!?!?!?... other than getting in a JC and ball around and go to those JC party.... hahahahahah)... i mean WHY NOT?!?!?!? and the feeling tat this girl expressed is not just relevant to herself... coz i was sorta quarreling with her n something... so she just blurt out this stuff... but then it got me thinking... and i replay all the conversations i had with my other friends over ICQ n mails n phone... and it became very clear to me... i dun think it is the fact tat i am overseas tat is the primary cause of jealousy/resentment for them... but the fact tat i am HERE without doing the A level... tat really piss them off and make they feel fucked/cheated...
OMG... why is this happening... this should not happen you noe... i hate it when some action... some really simple and really personal decisions will have such a negative impact on others... man... i really feel like apologising... but then for wat??? for thinking up another way to survive instead of just dying there in NJC?? (be reminded tat i handled the whole University application process BY MYSELF... without any help or guidance from ANYONE... i chose everything... i decided... i gathered everything...) this is a way of showing my defiance against the situation... i am not going down... not in tat horrible GREY way... no way... coming here is about me trying to start anew and continue the fight... and if the people out there think i am having a jolly good time here... or tat THEY are gonna be having a jolly good time when THEY come over... hahaha... FORGET IT... TAT IS NOT HAPPENING... life here is just/ if not more hectic than it is back in singapore... there are more challenges... more things you need to handle... so to all you ppl out there who think LIU YEN LIN is having a freaking good time here partying and bed hopping around.... WAKE UP!!! and FUCK OFF!!!
but i still need to apologise... at least to those ppl i really care... my brothers in RI... i am soooo soooo sorry dudes... pls dun take this whole situation wrongly... and think i took the soft option in life... coz tat is not the case... pls understand that i really dun want you guys to feel cheated with the fact tat i can go into a Uni without going thru the hard path of A level while you guys have to... you guys all did fantastic for your A level... getting grades tat i probably wouldn't have gotten in a million years... you guys are the best... there are lots of things i need to learn from you guys... so pls pls pls... pls forgive me and pls understand my position and reasons behind my decision... i am sure you guys will all get into your choice of top universities which you guys really deserve... hmm... yeah... guess tat is about it... and to those idiots tat hardly noes me and only noe how to spread rumors behind my back and untrue stories abt me... welll this i have to say... BEAT IT... go get a life and stay away from me... i am sick and tired of assholes like you ppl tat i dun even want to spend any more energy tokking abt those freaking tales and bad reputation you spread about me...
posted by David at 3/08/2003 04:58:00 PM