TOW Everyone's university acceptance...
The NUS university admission result was announced recently... well... majority of my friends got into their first choice and made it to college... feel so happy for them... yet it feels weird and a little bitter at the same time...
In 1992, my parents brought me and my sis from taiwan to go over to singapore to study... due to the rules, i have to be "demoted"... so while i was already pri 3 in taiwan, i had to start at pri 2 in singapore... it was really weird at first... i had to mix with kids one year younger than me... it just feel so damn weird... and the fact tat my parents keep reminding me of tat fact is not really helping me to cope either... but somehow i got over tat... and kinda behaves a year younger than me... coz the things i experienced, the things i did was with those guys... so after awhile, i became like them... a year younger than i "should" be.... then i came over to US
I got into college faster than those ppl tat i learn to call my batchmates, those tat are actually younger than me... while age-wise, i entered college at just the right age, but in actual fact, i actually shifted grade again... this time it is such a great jump... out jump my batchmates by two years... when the girls start their college later thsi year, i will already become a junior... (credit-wise.. and a sopho in year-wise...) feels weird you get wat i mean??? i feels weird tat you are experiencing something all by yourself... well.. at least tat is how i feel... i am now congratulating my BATCH MATEs on their college admission.. and i am not part of tat?!?!? weird.. just weird... shouldn't it be like when we got out Olevel result when we cheer and cry together??? now they are cheering and crying and i am watching from afar coz it is none of my goddamn business... and argh... i had already sorta experienced tat feeling already...
Actually i did not really cheer or cry when i receive tat letter from michigan... how should i describe it?!!??! hmm... sense of relieve?? i was so screwed and totally stressed out from my experience from NJ... and all tat anxiety on my fate... and oso at tat time my mom keep bugging me and putting me down about applying to UofM (she keep insisting tat her FRIEND told her tat UofM is not a good school and neva heard of... screw....) and tat i am just taking her money to run away from NJ and all tat crap... and oso i had to keep quiet about the situation lest some ppl may screw me up last minute or something... so there was no really outburst of joy... hmm... so i think sense of relieve will be the best way to describe it... i probably deserve more emotion... coz afterall, i was the ONLY one tat did the whole goddamn application process... from searching for school, to all type of blardy research... I DID EVERYTHING MYSELF... yet... the thing felt like no biggie at tat time... the whole emotion is just not there... i dunnoe why... i went back to taiwan, came back to singapore.. went back to taiwan again, and flew to US... of course i receive lots of good wishes n such... and i really appreciate it... but the sadness of leaving all those things i am familiar with behind is probably the only feeling i had then... when i board tat plane to come to USA, i embarked on a new path alone... seriously... even till now, there is just this sense of isolation in me still... i left behind ppl tat understood me... ppl i grew up with... ppl i can relate to.. feel so empty and alone.... well... mayb got ppl will say things like i am not treasuring thiings i have now and wat not... nonono... i appreciate and am grateful for wat i have now... i am seriously grateful... but the sense of isolation is also very real and true... i made many friends here... but sometimes, i take a step to one side... look at them from a little distance... and i realise tat i dun really belong... sometimes it even makes me feel likea 5th wheel or something... i neva felt this way before... definitely not in RI... NJ abit... neva fit into tat community... but i had friends to hang out with... and i neva feel like an extra... but down here... i feel so extra nowadays... i try to not feel so extra... but tat means i have to try to fit in... oh gosh... i hate to do tat... i just wanna be myself... i dun mind changing... but it is just impossible to change everything rite!!??!! maybe it is this sense of feeling extra here that is triggering all this sense of me wanting to be with my batchmate and feel weird tat i am not part of their current celebration n joy... but this oso shows tat i am really stuck in between... i am around ppl tat i can't fit in... and i have already took such a large stride ahead in life that i can't exactly join the pace of my former batchmate oledi... sad isn't it??? oh well... as if anyone will give a flying *BEEEP* about this or doing anything about it... sigh... such is life... you came into this world alone... it would be great if you meet a couple of ppl along the way... but ultimately, you still die alone... not exactly a very fun thing to experience and totally pessimistic in thinking... but still... can't really deny it oso rite?!!?? sigh... i need to sleep.. hopefully when i wake up tomolo all my worries will be gone and solved... hmm... i have already been sleeping alot lately.... any longer and tat may mean a permanent sleep oledi... alamak........ i need help.... hahahaha
posted by David at 6/07/2003 02:32:00 AM