It is 5.19 am in the morning now. Just finished the film Meet Joe Black. Ok... now tat i have MET him (haha... lame...) it really triggered some thoughts. Love is something that i have neva truly understand. I have heard thousands and millions of explanations of love, yet i cannot say i totally understand it. Of course i love my parents, my family, my friends and etc etc. But how do i noe if i am really in love? Or if it is just an attachment of superficial things in this world? What is unconditional love? No... i am taking tat word to the very extreme. Can love be totally unconditional? Parents love their kids without truly asking ANYTHING in return? Lovers love each other without any other reason except for love itself? I believe unconditional love is an achieveable "thing". But i am not sure if i had seen too many of it in this world so far. In the very extreme sense. Absolutely no strings attached. Unconditional love... ah... isn't it wonderful? When you can love someone just because you love him/her. No other reason. Not physical, not wealth, not personality... NONE of those things that are impermanent. Just Love. But then again... the question of WHAT IS IMPERMANENT IN THIS WORLD arises. HAHAHA... pls tell me if you have an answer to tat one. well... perhaps i do have the answer to tat one. But again, not a total understanding coz of reasons i cannot figure out. HAHAHA... pardon me for it is already 5.29 now and one cannot expect too much from the brain of mine at this time of the day when it can't even seem to be able to function properly at "normal" hours.
I use to think i was TOTALLY in love with this girl back in RJ. I dunnoe why. But i just feel totally in love with her. Everything about her. Everything. It really killed me when i left RJ after 3 mths. (hmm... sidenote: i paused for a while after writing the sentence b4 this coz i sensed something was amiss. After awhile, i realised that i did not use the phrase KICKED OUT in there while i usually do... HAHAHA... just a thought!) But, somehow i was convinced by a friend of mine that it is just a silly crush. nothing more. i dun even noe her. i hardly spent time with her and i really dunnoe much about her. she is not exactly the prettiest around you noe... i mean, of course she is good looking in her own way but look was not exactly wat caught my attention. But still, i struggle even till now, to find out what is it about her tat totally make me "obsessed" with her. Or in my term... totally fell in love with her. Isn't it strange? Was it really love? Was it just a crush? Or did i experienced an unconditional love without even realising it and even doubt it?!?! hahah... i will neva noe. But the feeling is not there anymore. That crazy incredible feeling i had is no longer there. I use to draw her face in my mind everytime, but now i can't even remember how she looked like. HAHAHA... ok i lied... if i think REALLY hard, her image surfaced... but it is definitely not as clear/sharp a picture as it used to be. I remember her smile... i think. i am not sure. but i remember her. yet the feeling is not there anymore. well... definitely not the same intensity as it was before. ah... but i remembered how it felt. It was beautiful to FEEL ya are in love. go on, blame it on the raging hormones like my friend did. And throw all the blame on the fact tat i was stuck with 1699 other guys in a school for 4 years. HAHAHAH... but still, it was beautiful. very beautiful.
A girl called me today on my cellphone. I was asleep, so she left me a msg wishing me happy bday. When i woke up and listened to tat voice msg she left, i melted. sure, go on and throw in tat two explanations i gave above about hormones and RI. but still the fact was that i melted. She is really nice girl. again, i can't say i noe her tat well. But there is just something about her which i really find it attractive. it was always a joy to stay in touch with her. but this surprising gesture she did for me, it really melted me and yes... i just felt she is the nicest girl in the world and i totally felt in love with her. Wat kind of love is it? i dunnoe. But i think it is not the unconditional love i was tokking about. no, i dun think so. this feeling is obviously triggered by a very sweet gesture of her and the fact tat i think it is very sweet. So no, it is not unconditional love in its totally extreme and lunatic way. oh yes, some ppl said love cannot be explained and you noe it is love when you NOE it is love. HAHAHA... wat a beautiful explanation. but how can i be sure? perhaps i neva will! maybe i was just daydreaming and fantasising JUSt alittle too much... HAHAH... but still, it was beautiful, like one of those crazy hollywood lines...it was "surreal, but nice." hahah... VERY NICE. Thank you, ya noe who you are, you made my day. Hopefully one day i can repay your incredible gesture. Thanx girl. From the bottom of my heart.
I really should go to bed now. the sun is already up... YAWN...
posted by David at 7/06/2003 06:09:00 AM