Got Midterm this Thursday, short essay oso due this thursday. and i am not even tokking about the in lecture quiz for econ tomorrow. TIME NOT ENUFF!!! HELP!!! so y the heck am i still blogging? coz yesh.. you guess it... i am in one of my reflective a.k.a. self destructive mood. MUAHAHA
Almost caught a cold yesterday while walking past bubble island yesterday. Was walking with Kelvin to go grab some dinner (more on the dinner late...) when we walked past Bubble Island (we met up outside Vcorner). Even Kelvin commented on the suddent drop in temp. MUAHAH... dunnoe to cry or to laugh. i think it is sad. relationships just dun last nowadays. ppl can just become like total strangers no matter what they were last time. so sad. but i guess sometimes you just dun have to even fake diplomatic towards some ppl eh?! tat's probably why.
I always remember this talk i had with this teacher of mine last time in RI. Mr Chow Tse Kit. or Jaap Stam like some of us call him coz quite alike. tall and bald. MUAHAHAH... but yeah. it was a long talk coz he is in his mid 20s onli so we got lots to tok about. the details of that talk are irrelevant, 'cept for this thing he says about the way he treat ppl. "Everytime i meet someone, i make friend, it is like i dig out my heart and give it to them. it come straight from the heart. some people, dun even look at it, and look away. others take a sniff at it, think it is smelly and use them to feed dogs. it hurts really bad. but still i keep doing tat." I can't agree more. Isn't tat the same thing i do? Ppl criticise me for being too upfront and not protecting myself enough. i saw nth wrong with tat. notice the past tense used. after a series of failed "relationships" i really start to doubt this whole attitude towards someone else. so much so that i believe now, when i meet someone, though i still take out my heart and trust it to them, i am more selective. i shut myself in my tiny little room so interaction with outside world is thru onli the tiny little laptop i have. when going outside, i keep a straight face and suppress my emotion. i only extend my heart out to ppl i already knew and reduce meeting new ppl (afraid i guess...) but even when i DO hand out my heart, there is always the thought at the back of my head tat says "ok.. let's see how long before this person feed my heart to the dog..." pretty bad rite?! so essentially it means tat i am not fully trusting them with my heart now. good or bad? compare to that "silly" teacher of mine who keep trusting his heart to ppl he meet, to me, who first of all is getting all selective abt it, and secondly having doubts even before i do it. I think i am worse. dun ya think? but i guess some people out there will say, well, you are on your way to maturity and you are slowly learning how to protect yourself. next time, you won't even open until tat much... hmmm... i wonder...
obviously my heart is still extended out there when i walked past you outside bubble island. if not, it wouldn't have experience that sudden drop in temp and caused me the cold.
kk... so now the dinner. i spent 11 bucks on burgers n fries yesterday with kelvin. so did he. let's see. i ordered a saute burger which has melted cheese, mushroom, veges and a garden burger in it + some fries by the side. tat caused me 7 buck plus. then still hungry, me and kelvin ordered cheese fries. plus together with tat goddam silly tips, cost 11 buck. wah lao eh... really siao... 11 buck just for burgers n fries... no drink and onli ice water somemore hor... *bleeding*
Ann Arbor. Being here since April 2002. One year and 5 months oledi? hmmm... time flies. Fly until think ppl at home dun even remember me liao. Was going thru the list of names on friendster network. suddenly damn reluctant to add some of those people. and oso coz i read this entry by this girl about how idiotic ppl keep adding ppl they barely noe in order to make them look good and such. agree tat this kind of things do happen and i really dun wanna be part of tat. but some of these ppl, can't say THAT close, but we did get to hang around occasionally, used to be pretty close n such... wonder if they still remember me all that well and wat they think of me now... i wonder...
After dinner yesterday, walked with Kelvin around campus. Stayed on the bridge between NS and CCRB. hmm... felt like i was on the bridge between Taipei Train Station and Xin Guang Shan Yue. Standing there looking down the bridge on the road, seeing the cars driving pass felt so familiar yet foreign. Think i really getting used to this place now. everything feel more and more comfortable. even the cold weather. I think i am gonna feel scare when i go back next time. scare of how much the place i used to know changed. scare of how i have changed relative to the ppl back home. scare at how THEY have changed relative to me. changes... ahhh... such a beautiful yet scary term. change for the better or for the worse? dun we all wanna live in our comfort zone? live in the place we are familiar with? how often do we get to do tat? and do we have wat it takes to step outside and take a look? i find it hard to go back to old places after i have so called "moved on". During one of those year end trip to Taiwan a fews years back, i was wondering around my city on foot when i suddenly end up in the kindergarden i used to go to. the whole place is like abandoned liao. grass overgrown, windows shattered and totally rundown. then just like those scenes in the movie, i see figures just popping out like now where, kids running around. i saw me in my green collar napkin sliding down the the slide and swinging around and climbing around. damn, i just got overcomed with feelings tat i started running like mad all the way home. dun ask me why. chicken is probably an appropriate word to use but is not exactly a very helpful word either... And to think i was only standing in front of an abandoned building. imaging going back, living in the same room, yet all will be so different. Do i say harlow, or waddup like i am used to now? do i speak singlish or do i fake ang mo accent? or can i just shut up? i am damn clueless.
Target date of going home will be after Winter 2005. or rather, April 2005. Which will mean 3 years totally away from home. damn... 3 years... tat is a long long time... one and a half more to go i guess...
posted by David at 10/14/2003 07:14:00 PM