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Saturday, January 31, 2004
任賢齊與阿牛合唱的世棒錦標賽主題曲
再出發
風大雨大太陽大 誰卡大聲 誰就贏 不管這條路有多歹行
攏不驚 天大地大 我雄大 歹人看到阮嘛皮皮剉
咱是認份快樂少爺 笑哈哈 再出發 再出發吧
你是願ㄟ第一名 天公就疼這款命 嘎甘苦當作跳恰恰
嗯免驚 嗯免驚啦 咱是勇敢的小飛俠 帶著鋼盔嘎伊拼
人講沒行未出名 我有信心打不痛 我有認真做人看
不願浪費青春生命 壞名聲 我有姑娘咧愛我 我有幸福咧作伴
我要給她日子過得快活 惜命命 再出發 再出發吧
幫我擦汗揮著花 不管風雨這呢大 為得將來馬得走
要出發 要出發啦 幫我鞋子 擦亮它 那無實力脈臭彈
有影卡來這嗆聲 再出發 再出發啦 要拿冠軍第一名
天公就疼這款命 嘎甘苦當作跳恰恰 嗯免驚 嗯免驚啦
你是勇敢的小飛俠 帶著鋼盔嘎伊拼 人講沒行未出名
風大雨大太陽大 誰卡大聲 誰就贏 不管這條路有多歹行
攏不驚 天大地大 我雄大 歹人看到阮嘛皮皮剉
咱是認份快樂少爺 笑哈哈 我有信心打不痛 我有認真做人看
不願浪費青春生命 壞名聲 天大地大 我雄大
歹人看到阮嘛皮皮剉 咱是認份快樂少爺 笑哈哈
我有姑娘咧愛我 我有幸福咧作伴 我要給她日子過得快活
惜命命 風大雨大太陽大 誰卡大聲 誰就贏
不管這條路有多歹行 攏不驚
posted by David at 1/31/2004 04:08:00 AM
Friday, January 30, 2004
The 4000th visitor to this blog is someone with the following info:
accessed the web on 30 January 11:50am (which is 1250midnite in singapore)
from Singapore (singa.pore.net) <-- this is either singnet or magix i believe.
CONGRATULATIONS!!! email me to tell me who you are ok!!!
posted by David at 1/30/2004 04:24:00 PM
Visitor count is now at 3999. let's see who is the next visitor.
Tzu Ching's sign language is coming to a crucial pt. today is judging. one week of hard labor is no joke... tired like crazy... here is agood summary of wat everyone did in the words of Bor Shuen in this really nice card he just sent...
各位慈青好~
嘻嘻!我寄這張卡片純粹是覺得開飛機的人好像DAVID喔~~
這一個禮拜真的是最漫長，也是對我來說最有意義的一個禮拜。看到大家為了同一個目標都付出了那麼多的努力，BS感動至極!!
看到Mike大哥犧牲了與河小姐的時間來練習手語•••感動。
看到Meiyi大姊每晚只睡兩個小時還堅持來練手語•••感動。
看到David大哥努力克服他陽剛(猴子)的本性來練習柔性的手語•••感動。
看到Judith大姊天天忽略桌上一疊的功課來練手語•••感動。
看到東安老大天天從遙遠的地方開車來配合我們練手語•••感動。
不管明天的結果是如何我真的很感謝大家這個禮拜的努力!BS再次感動中。謝謝!!
Still have the phobia of living with other ppl. Got some invitation from others to stay with them for summer. As much as i want to stay with them, my fear for wat could happen just keeps me from saying yes. sigh... this is bad. I am such a wuss eh? Maybe tat's how ppl feel when they break up with their gfs... i neva had a gf... so i dun really noe wat is the big deal. but if gfs are ppl that is as close and emotionally attached to you as i was to those housemates i had, then i think perhaps i can finally understand the pain and anguish of such breakups. wah lao eh... sound damn gay. but erm... no denying, some part of my heart is being ripped from me. my fault? i won't noe... i dun care at first. but now that i realise how deeply affected i am, i can't help but wonder wat went wrong again. MUAHAH... tok abt ghost from the past coming back to haunt me again. well... but who is to say who is wrong? like all relationship, takes two to tango. me n my 3 housemates had such incidents maybe coz some elements were just unluckily all there. i am f*cked up in some manner, and so are they screwed in others. and somehow we combine and bingo!! we screw and fuck each other up. the qn of course will be, how to prevent such things from happening? from my pt of view, i just need someone that can just voice wat they think rather than hiding inside. Sadly, i dun think i have encounter anyone here tat can do tat to me yet. if you call me a friend, why still hold things back when you tok. maybe you dun want to do that to other ppl. but this is how i work. be direct and just say wat you wanna say rite? well... not many ppl wanna do tat to me. maybe tat's y i treasure those friends i have back home. if i am a shit, then say so. dun bother adding flavor to it and make it nice. this is not call got tact or not. this is call effective communication to ME when you wanna tok to me. but sad rite? maybe i have not given ppl enuff chance to know me tat well? but could you say the same thing from those housemates i had? been hanging with some of them since day one here in UofM and still dun noe me? if such is the case, then all the more i love my homies back home. Armhawan n Wuren since pri sch. Mike n Ah Meng clicked with me since day one. Those Goushi in 4J took onli 1yr for us to click this long already. Those folks in Bayley and all others, how come they won't hesitate to slap me in the face when i need it? y can they get rid of formality and just do wat needs to be done and say wat needs to be say to me? hahah... i really miss you folks. And not to mention Chunyi, KP and shiwang. I dun even really make a genuine effort for them to know me, and yet we click this well and they make me so comfortable all these while. how many of this kind of ppl can i meet as i journey down my life? or do i have to keep getting hurt to find tat ONE more? marginal productivity related?! MUAHAHA... i really should be satisfied tat in my life, i have met all these folks tat can be true to me and allow me to be true and no need to pretend. but... some of these folks are oso folks tat i may not meet again. So do i go arnd pretending here in UofM? no... i won't do tat. but still. this issue of being "anti-social" and the phobia of living with other ppl again is just getting me all edgy. sigh... i need to think this thru.
So many things need to be given their time to be thought thru. yet i can not really focus well and just think properly. i probably can just drift along. if i dun think this much, dun analyse this much, probably won't have this much problem. but is ignorance really a bliss? nth to do with me doing poli sci or not. but i just think it would be a bad idea to just be ignorant. i dun really like tokking to ignorant ppl. and i always fear being one of them. the fear of not knowing things is wat i think drives me to keep reading news, keep tokking to ppl to get info, to get inspirations, to get viewpts. Insecurity? you bet! just like practising sign language... y do i practise so hard? coz i noe if i mess up at one pt, i will just lose my tempo. So i shoot for error proof. so far so good. perfectionist? a little. there is a perfectionist in all of us. but i still can't wake up in time. i still need alot more improvement to be call perfect. i probably can identify the areas i need to improve. but as usual, i lack the actions to follow them thru. to me, think and no action is nth. and tat's wat i am. NTH. a pretty depressing post. coz i think i am pretty messed up rite now. and if i dun get my freaking acts together soon. i am gonna die real soon coz things are coming on hard n fast and if i dun get a hold of myself first, there is no way i am gonna tackle them properly. sigh......................
posted by David at 1/30/2004 11:49:00 AM
Thursday, January 29, 2004
OH, this site is gonna hit 4000 visitors soon. i think 7 more and will reach oledi. let's see who is gonna be the lucky winner this time round!!!
posted by David at 1/29/2004 12:20:00 AM
Had dinner with Mike and Teresa at TKwu today... had some pretty interesting discussions. Anywaez, after reading Tris's blog on the US presidential race thus far, i decide to voice some opinion tat was exchanged during the dinner as a response to Tris's blog entry.
To quote Prof Lieberthal's word,"no american president is elected to the office solely base on his foreign policy". I guess alot can be inferred from here. Clark come across to me, and i am sure most other observers, as the most familiar with how to conduct US's relation with foreign countries. His record as NATO chief suggests that ability. However, compare to Kerry n Dean, i really dun think it will be enuff to win for him to win the race. I think the same can be said to most other countries. Taiwan's Prez election in 2000 for example. Ah Bien won not because he of his pro indy stand, but because he stood for no corruption and a change to domestic rule as oppose to the other two candidates. Also in US, recent elections also tells us that voter's focus will have to be on the domestic front. From Clinton's "It's the economy, stupid" to his all time long period of sustained growth tat won him his reelection. I think it is not difficult to more or less rule Clark out of the picture even though i kinda like tat guy...
Also, Teresa mentioned that BUSH might just win. i really dun think so.. at least not yet. Teresa say the capture of Saddamn is a REALLY big thing. I totally agree. but still, Bush I lost in his reelection coz he could not maintain the domestic issues. Dessert Storm was an impressive success then. A great display of US might (despite the grossly exaggerated ability of the patriot missles... heehee...) overseas was not able to get Bush I back into white house. I think we all know the reason and so i am too lazy to type them out. but yeah, it's the economy BAKA!!!
but BUSH II is making some real effort not to follow in the footstep of daddy. The recent depreciation of the US dollar is one sign of wat they are up to. I kinda said this in my last post for my Global economy class last semester. below are some parts of it...
With the election coming up less than one year from now, the current administration is facing the daunting prospective of going into re-election with less jobs in this country than it had before it came in. Jobs are losing at an average of 80K per month since Bush came into office and it will definitely be the administration's archilles heel that democrate oppositions will aim at. Thus in my opinion, the current trend of letting the dollar becoming "weak" is a sign that the administration is trying to solve this issue which they need to solve fast.
As we learned in the IS-LM-BOP model, in an economic system that has high capital mobility and a floating exchange rate, the most effective economic tool will be to adopt a expansionary monetary policy. This policy requires the country to increase its money supply which will lead to a decrease in interest rate. As a result capital will flow out from the country causing the currency to depreciate. With a depreciated currency, other countries will find it US goods to be more competitive and this will drive export to increase which result in an increase in the IS curve (which is the goods and services market). This will lead to a desired increase in demand for labor and creating job to produce the increasing demand of US goods by other countries. As we are well aware, US interest rates are still at a all time low and signs are now showing that this economy is slowly recovering and on its way back to growths.
So yeah... i got 8/10 for this post... so i think my prof agree with me on this post oso... MUAHAH... and he is a prof at the sch of public policy... so i should think my BSing made some sense to him... so yeah... here is my take on take on the situation in the upcoming prez election in US... will blog about the the Taiwan part later... so Tris if you are reading this, maybe you want to post something on your site first then can inspire me to tok something here? hahah...
posted by David at 1/29/2004 12:17:00 AM
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
kinda cool... i finally figure out how to input chinese, well, at least simplified chinese using the pinyin way. using english to spell them out is damn much faster than the zhuying for someone still not very good at it... but yeah... tat means my taiwanese friends have to start learning how to read simplified chinese liao.. MUAHAH... but i think it is totally awesome...
oso, at the hint of Jason, i manage to find out how to configure my XP to run chinese programs... but still cannot play the 3 kingdom game that kelvin help me buy coz tat disc is scratched and it can't read one of the files when installing... so oh well... at least now can try to install other chinese programs and see if i can use them to input traditional chinese or something like tat. MUAHAHA... not bad not bad..
this week really caught up with Tzu Ching activity. very tiring actually... but as all Bayley folks will noe, once i carry on this kind of load oledi, erm... i tend to put alot of effort into it at the expense of my more official business -- studying n academic related stuff lor. like last nite, after got home at 9 after the sign language training, i went on to sort out the comm service things. for my own work, all i did was prepare the chinese exam today and read like 3 pages of econ before collapsing onto the bed liao. so tat means i neva do the readings for lemke class and oso neva review the Hays class oso... hope to get things settle by this week so next week after this sunday's performance, i can shift back into the "right" gear n direction and play some major catchups... but as usual... i might oso just sleep or stone my life and grades away... ARGH... DISCIPLINE!!!! think i need a good spanking... MUAHAHAHAH... any hot chics wanna help out? but i onli want hot chics hor... jk...
OH... and the weather is just horrible. a good indicator will be the steps in front of the grad library. you see, there are like 3 seperate paths leading up to the grad front door. in winter, they close down 2 and onli shove the snow in the middle one. and right now, the snow on the un-maintained ones are high up to my thigh area... which is really scary... and when the UofM workers shove the snow and clear the paths, you basically see SNOW MOUNTAINS appearing everywhere... yeah, i mean snow piles higher than me every other step i take... how freaky is this?
and not to mention that in my fits of anger at my stupidity and inability to master the sign language, i went to shave my hair again on monday nite... and after i shave onli the snow storm came... beautiful... freezing my ass and head off like siao... but oh well... nth much underneath those hair for the cold to do damage to anywaez... MUAHAHAHHA
posted by David at 1/28/2004 12:43:00 PM
Read this article on UDN. really cool and useful reminder. esp i think now is a good time for me to do some market research bit by bit and start planning for the future... was telling Gundy the other day during lecture (yeah... Hays is still talking on Stolper-Samuelson... so it is really boring...) if i get a dollar everytime ppl ask me when i am gonna graduate, my living expenses no problem liao. And if i charge 2 dollars for questions like where am i going n wat am i doing after Uni, i no need to pay tuition fee out of my own pocket liao... MUAHAHAH... but yeah... so far really no clue as to wat i am really gonna do. scary eh? not really like me to have no clue as to wat the next immedate stage of my life is gonna be... but other than going back taiwan to serve army first, i really have no clue........ but one things i for sure, i won't be staying here in US permanently. by tat, i mean i won't get greencard or watsoeva... i like my taiwanese passport and IC (even though i look horrible on my IC...) thank you very much Uncle Sam. but i guess i wont mind working here for some period of time then see how or stay here (or come back after army) to do grad school. but right now, i will definitely head East after i grad from UofM... and yeah, when is tat gonna happen is totally another million dollar guess altogether... MUAHAHAH
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posted by David at 1/28/2004 12:34:00 PM
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
Decided to add more navigations to the side of this blog... will let it slowly expand... these are just names and sites that comes to mind for now while i am in comp lab...
really pissed about something. i lost the whole collection of the photos i took in Chicago. the WHOLE goddamn folder. damn pissed. took so many nice photos... (so this means i HAVE to go back to tat place again... MUAHAHHAHA!!! but onli after i save up enuff... *sob sob*)
Tzu Ching's activities are a little overwhelming... erm... will blog more on it after i give the whole situation a little more thoughts...
posted by David at 1/27/2004 06:21:00 PM
Friday, January 23, 2004
I hate quarreling with you. and i hate it even more when every time we argue, it is always about the same thing. I dunnoe if it is coz i am neva able to convey wat i feel to you correctly or you just dun wanna listen to wat i have to say. I noe you like your friends, and i noe i dun. but i dun see why we always have to argue about them. everytime i ask you to come to an event with me, this kind of thing always happen. i dun think i get anything by inviting you to these events. i just think it is sad to always hang out with the same bunch of ppl all the time. and yet everytime you choose not to attend those activites coz your friends dun want to come, and that you always say tat you dunnoe anyone there at the event.
if you neva go there, you will neva noe those ppl. do you think i knew these ppl the moment i came to UofM? If you onli go there when your friends are going, ask yourself if you are eva gonna make the genuine effort of knowing ppl there? or will you girls just gonna hang arnd the event and have your own fun as i am sure you will and probably enjoy it more than the awkwardness of meeting all new and strange ppl. i am just stating the obvious. i dunnoe why you cannot accept that and always start to get pissed wheneva i mention tat.
i am not asking you to ditch your friends to go to these events. but i just think it is sad if you dun do things just becoz they dun. why let them decide what you are gonna do? in fact there were even times you told me tat you might go to these events and promise to call me when you go (even though yeah, you did not promise to go), and yet when you didnot turn up, and neva bother to call oso. it is all fine by me. i mean seriously, dun go then dun go lah. i dun stand to lose anything. but as someone that you would somtimes call friend, i just feel that i will fail in my duty and be unworthy as a friend if i dun extend such invitation and make a genuine effort to invite you to come. and yes, i dun understand the logic of why you dun want to come oso.
wateva. it's your life. and i am not pissed tat you are not going. just really pissed tat we quarrelled again over such kind of thing.
posted by David at 1/23/2004 05:57:00 PM
Thursday, January 22, 2004
Let's see who i have called or sent CNY wishes to so far...
Andy Chen, Andy Yu, Mike Tsao and Teresa, Armhawan, Ying Jun, Judith, Fernando, Sophia, Nigel, Fooming, Mark n Francis, Greg and Mart, Gundy, Ming Zeng, Gundy, Jeff, Kelvin Ma Yue, Wang Hai, Meiyi, Monika, Lei Lei, Jason, Sanyo, Satchi, Epol, Teddy, Tien Huei, Shih Hao and Tony
Then for folks in singapore and taiwan,
My grandma, my mom n dad, my big aunt and 3rd aunt, Chen Lao Shi, Ah Meng and Mike Kwan, Tris n William, Whale, Kaihong, Yikley, Edmund Sim, Chunyi, Ying and Huimin.
actually got ALOT of ppl that i want to give a call to, but with the kind of throat i have now... may be abit hard and oso coz esp for folks back at home, the conversations tend to be much longer compare to folks here who are all busy with studying and it appears that i am the onli one going around dropping this kind of phone calls... weird eh? but yeah, some folks in singapore i can't get to coz the phone is busy or no one pick them up. but anywaez, will try again once my throat feels better (hopefully by tonite... coz my aunts in taiwan are gonna have lunch with my grandma... can one shot get to tok to all of them!!! and boy... tat is gonna be a long long tok!!)
posted by David at 1/22/2004 05:29:00 PM
As part of the new year celebrationg, I have decided to get a bad throat, a sneezing nose and a slight fever on day one of CNY. and just to spice things up a little and to have a taste of what this new year might come, i missed all my classes today and also my work and in the process, got a "gentle reminder" from my boss. WOW, tat is a great way to start off the year rite!?!?!
posted by David at 1/22/2004 05:16:00 PM
Wednesday, January 21, 2004
Happy New Year!!!!
been calling my folks back home for the past few minutes... the ang mo beside me keep giving me farni look... coz to him new year was 21 days ago... MUAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH....
Happpppppppppppppppppppppppppppy
Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew
Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar!!!!
posted by David at 1/21/2004 12:46:00 PM
Thursday, January 15, 2004
Went UHS for medical checkup for GIEU. had to fill in this survey thing abt health, allergies, medical conditions n such. naturally the survey oso ask things like am i sexually active, do i change partner frequently, do i use protections and if i ever kena STD. so obviously my answer is ____ (fill in blank yourself...) for all lah...
then i went for the check up, so the doc go thru verbally all those sections on the survey with me. then came to tat section. ask one time oledi, i give same answer as i had provided on the form. then he look up. look me in the eye and repeat the first question of tat set of questions. i gave the same answer. then he was like "dun worry, I am your doctor, you should feel comfortable telling me anything...."
er... he make me feel like i am the onli dude in the world that is ___ (fill in blank oso) doing it. sigh...
maybe i should just blame it on my impossibly, deadly, fatal and irresistable charm. or maybe the doc is just being stupid
posted by David at 1/15/2004 02:49:00 AM
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
oozing wiht sex appeal? oh yeah... i like this one!!! (duh... i dun post things on my blog for nth you noe... of course it has to plz me............................... MUAHAHHAHAH)
posted by David at 1/13/2004 12:46:00 AM
You're Most Like The Season Summer ...
Whoa.... Passionate eh ?? Typically you're a fiery,
zesty dominant person. As the hottest season,
you certainly ooze Sex appeal. You have
confidence which draws people to you, and you
have the makings of a good leader.
However sometimes your exterior is stronger then
you are and so you scare people off before they
can get close.
Well done... You're the most memorable of seasons
:)
?? Which Season Are You ??
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posted by David at 1/13/2004 12:45:00 AM
Monday, January 12, 2004
Need to blog this down and share it with you folks. I WENT SNOWBOARDING!!! with TWSA (mostly grad students) and i brought kelvin along too.
let's give the bad part first. injury count from the bottom up.
1. my ankle are alittle twisted. but this injury i am so used to it liao
2. my knees are swollen. try landing on them the whole day from 10 in the moring till about 3 in the afternoon... it gets really pretty...
3. my tailbone and ass area is pretty busted. the snow were old ones. not your ideal soft flaky ones so landing on them is like landing on hard ice or concrete...
4. my arm and upper thorsal muscles are pretty pulled. great exercise trying to push yourself up without using your leg the whole day for someone tat dun really do push ups all tat much...
5. my neck is hurting like a mofo and i can't move it too much. was too tensed in maintaining my head in right focus position for way too long... thus the strain...
6. i had 2 concussions and bang head first into the hard snow and trees numerous times...
all these ontop of numerous stunts tat will make jackie chan look like a pussy wuss. though they were not voluntary in any way, but some of these stunts were just amazing man!!!
1. back flip down the slope
2. double back flip down the slope
3. side somersault down the slope
4. double side somersault down the slope
5. fall face first into the ground, and with momentum still going downward and using my face, neck and upper body as the pivot, my legs (still attached to the snowboard) start spinning in the air like helicopter...
6. superman. bounce off some object on the ground and go elevated into the air with your head forward, then downward, then inward into the snow.
7. try combining any two of those stunts above into a combo...
yeap... damn shiok. almost killed myself. one fall i had was particularly bad. i fall straight down with my body upright, so my ass hit the ground, the impact was so huge tat it went all the way up and sent my snowcap flying off my head. i sit there in the snow for like dunnoe how long then after finally gathered my senses, said "ouch" and went flat onto the snow and lied there for dunnoe how long again... wat fun!!!
now i am just praying i dun die from internal injury which i can't see now. but yeah... the bruises are pretty shitty. horrible even. can't do work properly, can't focus coz it is just darn painful and moving around is just a curse (somemore need to go class today and need to move thru tat snow arnd campus...) this is shitty... but for the time while i was up there and be it rolling down or towards the end, cruising down the style, it was lotsa fun. really really fun. and did i mention the adrenaline rush? omg... it was just awesome. flirting with death baby. but well, dun think my dad can join me if he come next time. it will be abit harsh on the older folks' bones... but yeah... it is really fun, and it rocks!!! it is really not as dangerous as it look, of course at first when you learn it gets painful, but later, it is just the challenge baby. and the joy of cruising down the slope.... it is awesome. and the feeling of juggling between crashing and having control is just fun. you think you are gonna crash, and you maintain control again, then you relax abit and you almost crash, but you manage to pull back in time, wah lao eh... damn shiok... MUAHAHHAHHAHAHAH... kk... will blog more on this laterz... but for now, this is all tat my painful neck and arm will allow me to type...
posted by David at 1/12/2004 12:53:00 PM
Sunday, January 11, 2004
and i'd give up forever to touch you
'cause i know that you feel me somehow
you're the closest to heaven that i'll ever be
and i don't want to go home right now
and all i can taste is this moment
and all i can breathe is your life
'cause sooner or later it's over
i just don't want to miss you tonight
and i don't want the world to see me
'cause i don't think that they'd understand
when everything's made to be broken
i just want you to know who i am
and you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
or the moment of truth in your lies
when everything feels like the movies
yeah you bleed just to know you're alive
and i don't want the world to see me
'cause i don't think that they'd understand
when everything's made to be broken
i just want you to know who i am
and i don't want the world to see me
'cause i don't think that they'd understand
when everything's made to be broken
i just want you to know who i am
and i don't want the world to see me
'cause i don't think that they'd understand
when everything's made to be broken
i just want you to know who i am
i just want you to know who i am
i just want you to know who i am
i just want you to know who i am
posted by David at 1/11/2004 10:48:00 PM
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
have been really neglecting my blog. and by tat, i mean i have not been putting solid entries. and by tat, i mean REAL entries.
to me, real entries are not those survey thingys or things like wat i ate for breakfast (btw i have been eating good breakfast mom, POST strawberry cereals and wheat bread with nutella!!!) no, real entries to ME, is suppose to be a reflection of wat went on. thoughts on wat is going on during the day or wat went on recently. it should be an evaluation of wat went right and what went wrong. some honest evaluation and observations. and that, i have failed to do so nowadays.
really have not been myself nowadays. feel like a different person. it is like i am losing control and i am spinning out of control. spinning out of control coz i am just so encrouched with SO many things. things and events are just overwhelming me at times tat i feel like i am in a whirlpool and can't get out. feel suffocating at times. and i mean it in all sorts of manner. there are just so many things to do so many things to handle at times and also, sometimes i just feel so choked up and i can't breathe. my brain is so stuffed with things going on that many times i dun even noe how to react or response when things pop up. so i just shut off. turn off my engine. and show my middle finger.
how could i blog in this state? i can't make sense of what is going on the way i could. if i were to blog, the entries will just be full of vulgarities and finger pointings. so n so fucked me up, die bitch. so n so is wasting my time, screw ya asshole. man... those things are wat is suppose to be blogged. well, ok.. sometimes ppl around me do deserve tat, but hey, takes two to tango... but it is just so easy to say those words than do a truthful evaluation of the situation. both on the situation and most importantly, on myself.
friends of mine had told me tat i am too self critical and putting unnecessary pressure on myself. and blame myself and feel bad abt myself when it is the other party tat is at fault. hahah... i am not even sure of that. and my enemies would definitely think otherwise. i am a cold, selfish bastard that hide underneath a sheep skin. hmm... you noe wat i think of this situation? i think i am way too sensitive than most ppl. no... dun look at tat horoscope thingy below this entry... it is not coz of that. i pick up things tat ppl do or say. i dun bear grudges, but while i forgive, i can't forget. so things remain there. every bad word, every evil action leaves a deep permanent scar on me. small things to ppl, may just be big things to me. how small? i dunnoe. but i tend to just laugh it off and ignore them. but when i do burst out, i burst out. all the frustration, all the emotions i suppressed come out all at once. ain't pretty. hadn't been pretty. you won't wanna see it.
and nowadays, my tolerance level is just dwindling. i tot i made some huge progress in terms of controlling my temper after tat incident during last summer when i had to bear with all that things shoved in my face. but boy, i was wrong. turns out that those emotions ain't digest. merely suppressed. suppressed and contained so much tat it merely used up all my ability to tolerate and all tat indigestion means tat one more tiny piece of shit in my way and all tat is gonna blow out. yeah... tat is how it is... my anger is just there... blood thirsty... so bad tat i feel scare of myself at times. those murderous dreams i had, how evil i became in them, how cruel and cold blooded i was in them, haunts me even when i woke up. and i just feel that like a lunatic tat could go off anytime... it frightens me... it really does...
so i seek religious help. i meditate. i try to convince myself and remind myself of the lessons tat i have learned. i remind myself of what could go wrong if i go back to my old self. i try to hold myself back. like a beast chained and pinned down to the ground. i realised i am still a beast... tamed for awhile, but still a beast... and somehow i have been untamed... and now starting to break the chains holding me down and going wild. it is scary... i feel vengeful... i feel hatred, i dun feel love, i dun feel appreciative of others, i dun feel joy... everywhere i see is negative. ppl faking, ppl pretending, ppl acting behind the back and all other kinds of evils. wat happened to the joy, the pure, the innocent and the love? my eyes are just so clouded. i feel choked up. coz i noe this is gonna go down bad.
is it stress? stress is always the first thing tat come to mind. no. i call it uncultured. i have unlearned all the lessons i have learned. i am out of touch with my religion. bad bad. all the teachings of buddha, all the lessons in the sutras and all the advises from the master gone so far from me. being vegetarian is no use for your spiritual self if you dun understand and be constantly aware of wat it means. things dun just happen, they happen for a reason. i am lost, °g¥¢ mi3 shi1 le... i am not a beast, i tell myself. dun become one. feel so remorseful at my inability to control myself... but tat dun mean nth... coz when the tears dry and another crap happens, i won't react the way i should and i get consumed by anger and darkness once again. once, the natural reaction was to react in kind and loving way. but now the instincts are to retaliate and to destroy. yeah... i mean destroy... it is tat horrible... feel like becoming the mass murderer just like in my dreams...
feel horrible. new term is starting... this is a new year. i dun wanna face the world with this attitude. the world is bad enuff... i dun want to be the one contributing to the evil. i want to hear the birds sing. i want to see the clear blue sky. i want to listen to the laughters. i want to embrace the world with love. i dun want the tears, the darkness, the curse and the hatred that seems to be all that i have now. could onli put up a pretendence. a weak fake cheerful smile tat actually screams get away from me half the time for no reason... even to those nice to me and mean no actual harm. do i sound like i need help? hahaha... kinda obvious rite... can't think of how to start but keep reminding me of the consequences of me keeping on like this. can't seems to make peace with the devil inside, meditating ain't helping this troubled and muddled mind. will tell you guys once i could figure a way to deal with this effective this. but in the mean time, i hope i can always remind myself of the consequence whenever i feel like bursting... pray for me that nth happenes before i could solve this... thanx...
posted by David at 1/06/2004 01:12:00 AM
Friday, January 02, 2004
CANCER MAN
The most sensitive man and the weakest emotional type in all Zodiac. Most Artists are Cancer. Cancer is controlled by the "Moon" and the moon change it's shape daily, so Cancer man's emotional and moods change all the time too. You will confuse with him and yet it is his constantly changes that "Charm" you. He never go to get what he wants directly, but he will wait for a chance and opportunity to do so. Once he gets what he wants, he will not loose it, except if he get tired of it by himself.
The most sensitive man who can not stand rejection. He cares what other people feel or think of him. He hates loosing face and he tends to over protected himself, so sometimes people might think he is a cold person.
Gifted, creative, imaginative, is Cancer. A mystery and complexity play a major role in a life of a Cancer man. He could be very funny, very quiet, suddenly very sad. Living with him could be very unexpected, for you will not know what is his next mood. If you like excitement and surprise, you have the right guy and never have a chance to get bored.
He thinks of his home as "nest" and it is the safest place for him. If he feels hurt or depress he will stay at home alone quietly. Once he feels better, he will come out of his retreat and lives normally again.
It is so easy to fall in love with this guy because he is gentle and a very polite guy. His wit and creative mind could win your affection. He will come out from his nest to protect you even if he is not opening himself up to other people much. Not many people will win his heart. His security is only when he has money in his pocket. Once he feels secure
then he might think of having a happy family. Even he likes to make and keep money, he is not stingy. Spending money is part of his good image, so he will be happy to spent money to take you out to a very expensive
restaurant or buy a jewelry for you. Certainly when he has money.
He is possessive to everything's that he thinks belong to him. Don't try to talk to another cute guy in front of him, he will get suspicion because he is not very secure or confident in himself for this kind of competition.
Once you know each other too much, he will start to look for new excitement, but not to worry for he will always think of you. If he thinks you are the true love for him, and you try once to disappear. You will be sure he will come and look for you.
He is a shy guy, but if he likes you. You can get up in the morning and see that he is in front of your house everyday till you go out with him, a very persistent guy.
He likes a secure, cheerful and lively woman, confident but at the same time always act proper and appropriate. He likes a secure woman, but able to adjust to his rapid changes. A very difficult type to find woman
indeed.
In the beginning, you and him will be so sugary sweet together and he will only think of you. This so "super romantic" will not last forever, so don't slip this chance. If you are the one who want his interest, then act and make yourself interesting. Be a supportive person and give him compliment sometimes, but not too much till he thinks you are not
sincere.
Unlike many other Zodiac, if he is mad then you better get out of that room. He will calm down by himself. Giving him a slight touch on his shoulders or concerned facial expression are enough. He loves his mother, so try to be his mother favorite, but do not act like his mother!
posted by David at 1/02/2004 04:22:00 AM
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