*~Nothing much~* |
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Tuesday, January 06, 2004
have been really neglecting my blog. and by tat, i mean i have not been putting solid entries. and by tat, i mean REAL entries. to me, real entries are not those survey thingys or things like wat i ate for breakfast (btw i have been eating good breakfast mom, POST strawberry cereals and wheat bread with nutella!!!) no, real entries to ME, is suppose to be a reflection of wat went on. thoughts on wat is going on during the day or wat went on recently. it should be an evaluation of wat went right and what went wrong. some honest evaluation and observations. and that, i have failed to do so nowadays. really have not been myself nowadays. feel like a different person. it is like i am losing control and i am spinning out of control. spinning out of control coz i am just so encrouched with SO many things. things and events are just overwhelming me at times tat i feel like i am in a whirlpool and can't get out. feel suffocating at times. and i mean it in all sorts of manner. there are just so many things to do so many things to handle at times and also, sometimes i just feel so choked up and i can't breathe. my brain is so stuffed with things going on that many times i dun even noe how to react or response when things pop up. so i just shut off. turn off my engine. and show my middle finger. how could i blog in this state? i can't make sense of what is going on the way i could. if i were to blog, the entries will just be full of vulgarities and finger pointings. so n so fucked me up, die bitch. so n so is wasting my time, screw ya asshole. man... those things are wat is suppose to be blogged. well, ok.. sometimes ppl around me do deserve tat, but hey, takes two to tango... but it is just so easy to say those words than do a truthful evaluation of the situation. both on the situation and most importantly, on myself. friends of mine had told me tat i am too self critical and putting unnecessary pressure on myself. and blame myself and feel bad abt myself when it is the other party tat is at fault. hahah... i am not even sure of that. and my enemies would definitely think otherwise. i am a cold, selfish bastard that hide underneath a sheep skin. hmm... you noe wat i think of this situation? i think i am way too sensitive than most ppl. no... dun look at tat horoscope thingy below this entry... it is not coz of that. i pick up things tat ppl do or say. i dun bear grudges, but while i forgive, i can't forget. so things remain there. every bad word, every evil action leaves a deep permanent scar on me. small things to ppl, may just be big things to me. how small? i dunnoe. but i tend to just laugh it off and ignore them. but when i do burst out, i burst out. all the frustration, all the emotions i suppressed come out all at once. ain't pretty. hadn't been pretty. you won't wanna see it. and nowadays, my tolerance level is just dwindling. i tot i made some huge progress in terms of controlling my temper after tat incident during last summer when i had to bear with all that things shoved in my face. but boy, i was wrong. turns out that those emotions ain't digest. merely suppressed. suppressed and contained so much tat it merely used up all my ability to tolerate and all tat indigestion means tat one more tiny piece of shit in my way and all tat is gonna blow out. yeah... tat is how it is... my anger is just there... blood thirsty... so bad tat i feel scare of myself at times. those murderous dreams i had, how evil i became in them, how cruel and cold blooded i was in them, haunts me even when i woke up. and i just feel that like a lunatic tat could go off anytime... it frightens me... it really does... so i seek religious help. i meditate. i try to convince myself and remind myself of the lessons tat i have learned. i remind myself of what could go wrong if i go back to my old self. i try to hold myself back. like a beast chained and pinned down to the ground. i realised i am still a beast... tamed for awhile, but still a beast... and somehow i have been untamed... and now starting to break the chains holding me down and going wild. it is scary... i feel vengeful... i feel hatred, i dun feel love, i dun feel appreciative of others, i dun feel joy... everywhere i see is negative. ppl faking, ppl pretending, ppl acting behind the back and all other kinds of evils. wat happened to the joy, the pure, the innocent and the love? my eyes are just so clouded. i feel choked up. coz i noe this is gonna go down bad. is it stress? stress is always the first thing tat come to mind. no. i call it uncultured. i have unlearned all the lessons i have learned. i am out of touch with my religion. bad bad. all the teachings of buddha, all the lessons in the sutras and all the advises from the master gone so far from me. being vegetarian is no use for your spiritual self if you dun understand and be constantly aware of wat it means. things dun just happen, they happen for a reason. i am lost, °g¥¢ mi3 shi1 le... i am not a beast, i tell myself. dun become one. feel so remorseful at my inability to control myself... but tat dun mean nth... coz when the tears dry and another crap happens, i won't react the way i should and i get consumed by anger and darkness once again. once, the natural reaction was to react in kind and loving way. but now the instincts are to retaliate and to destroy. yeah... i mean destroy... it is tat horrible... feel like becoming the mass murderer just like in my dreams... feel horrible. new term is starting... this is a new year. i dun wanna face the world with this attitude. the world is bad enuff... i dun want to be the one contributing to the evil. i want to hear the birds sing. i want to see the clear blue sky. i want to listen to the laughters. i want to embrace the world with love. i dun want the tears, the darkness, the curse and the hatred that seems to be all that i have now. could onli put up a pretendence. a weak fake cheerful smile tat actually screams get away from me half the time for no reason... even to those nice to me and mean no actual harm. do i sound like i need help? hahaha... kinda obvious rite... can't think of how to start but keep reminding me of the consequences of me keeping on like this. can't seems to make peace with the devil inside, meditating ain't helping this troubled and muddled mind. will tell you guys once i could figure a way to deal with this effective this. but in the mean time, i hope i can always remind myself of the consequence whenever i feel like bursting... pray for me that nth happenes before i could solve this... thanx...
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