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i always get guilty when i do my last minute mugging for exams. it is like all of a sudden, i realise all the sins i have commited, all the values i have abandoned and start to feel all shitty about myself. it is really bad. my grades has been just terrible by all account. grades tat are not worthy of my status as an international student, and not worthy of all the tuition fee my parents have to fork out for me to screw up so badly here. i am always aware of tat... but somehow, i neva get around to really do something about it. yeah i do study... i study till 2-3 am everyday... yeah i listen in class n lecture and i take notes. but, i can neva tell myself that i put in 100% of effort. sure, there are a million and one reasons i can throw in to explain why i am not in tat 100% effort zone. but the fact is, tat 100% tat is needed is not there when i really need it to be there to justify myself. feel really lousy about myself wheneva tat happenes. try to do my readings and suddenly my eyes just start to close and my head start to ache. try to work out those econ models but nth seems to make sense no matter how many times i read thru the text and the word "fuck it" just pop outta my mouth so easily. hate it when involuntarily, i just doze off during lectures. hate it when i can wake up after like 2 hr of sleep the nite b4 and fail to attend my econ 310 class. really damn lacking in the area of discipline. rite now i just feel like screaming and get someone to fucking give me a slap and kick my ass wheneva i need it. fuck low blood pressure, you dun fucking sleep in class and you jolly well pay attention no matter how giddy and painful your miserable head is. fuck lack of sleep, when it is time to go for class, you better wake the shit up and go down central instead of sleeping over in the bed. hohoho... tat's y they call it SELF discipline i guess... no one is here to do tat for me... so really, unless i do something, i am a goner, sitting here waiting to rot... as if it had not started oledi.

posted by David at 2/18/2004 10:16:00 PM