hmm... i have been getting quite some hits and from various different places too!!! wow... there are ppl out there who like to read crap!! MUAHAHAHA... hmm.. airtix bought oledi, so now just waiting for its arrival. things need to do now are to go get my VISA to china, contact my mom so tat she can settle the tix to china asap and figure out wat the heck i am suppose to do when i go back...
beautifully blown up my econ 310, econ 402 n polisci 368. econ 402 maybe can be explained, coz i was really onli half prepared. but econ 310 n polisci 368 was just disgusting. not expecting an A, but to get this kind of grade is just... argh... disappointing. no, i neva rely only on last minute mugging. preps for these 2 subs esp went back like a week before. and picked up pace like 3 days b4... polisci if you really gonna analyze, probably coz i neva go indepth enuff in my analysis and neva draw enuff examples in my arguement, most of them are my own examples which prof lemke could not fault me for so i guess it was the in depth part. think i should kick myself just a little. then econ 310? i hand written all my notes, prepared and memorised wat i tot was necessary and reread the lecture notes... even after the exam, i tot i did pretty ok for the MCQ at least, the 2 essay onces, i am sure the methods were correct, the right formulas were used, but they just dun seems to give me nice numbers (i.e. the numbers make sense, but they are not the ones that the qn wanted...) so i tot at least can have the method marks... then... BOMBED... shit man... give me a freaking B- i dun mind, but to to get a BOMB? hmm... i am alittle depress... ok... really depress...
dunnoe wat the fuck i am doing half the time nowadays, it is like i am just standing still as the world zoom past me... or maybe it is like me just being dragged along using a collarchain by time... not knowing wat exactly i wanna do in life or where i wanna go. or maybe i do... and it is just a case of me not wanting to try hard enuff for it. in another word, i am daydreaming my life away and trying to lead my life down a dream that i am not working hard enuff for. in another word... leading my life down the dump. but it is so easy to give up, so easy to just slack and watch the world go past, so easy to blame things like fate, circumstance, others and everything but myself for the current dump i am in.
is this the same feeling i had when i first went to RI? is this wat ppl call the false sense of me having "arrived"? that being overseas, seeing wat i feel is so much, experiencing what few others had, and being in a institution like UofM, that i start to get complacent, that i feel there is nth more in life to strive for? or is this really a sense of me really not knowing wat to do next? erm... grad sch? wat do i wanna do in grad sch? public policy or MBA? then wat abt career? thinktank job? but is politics really the shit for me? sometimes i just get so sick with wat i see in society nowadays... ok... correction, i get so sick with wat i see in the society ALL THE TIME!! so now wat? me out to change the world one man at a time? seriously... does anyone see me doing that?!?! or maybe... i can just get a miserable desk job, so unglam, so low timer, but sufficient to make a living, no need to go hungry, and support my parents. if tat's the kind of life i wanna have, then why am i doing all these? why is there a need to push myself so hard? can't i just lead life take its course?!?!
haha.. where's the fighting spirit man?!?!?! this just ain't tankish enuff rite?!?! hahaha... this is not hte first time such thoughts occur to me and gets me all moody... and most of the time, the advice i get is that i should tackle wat's at hand, do my best and finish wateva task in sight with my best ability so that at the end of it, i have no regret and having achieved something, i can then look forward to other things in life. i think such kind of statements does have its sense. but then again, with graduation in sight, i am just lost. very lost. i probably am thinking way too much for my own good. or maybe i am just sulking coz of my grades and using this excuse exercise as a form of escapism from the shit i have to face in reality.
no matter which way you look at it, i need help. as always eh? and lots of it..................
posted by David at 3/10/2004 12:04:00 AM