Graduating soon. now currently looking for a blardy job. been really a frustrating task and tiring. think it is really a weird idea that i have to try so hard, figure how to sell and promote myself so i can hopefully get a job in some cubicle, get the chance to work my ass off so that some dude sitting in the corner office will be able to affort a vacation in the Bahamas or something. dun make much sense to me.
the past few months, i think i came to understand myself better. the combination of a job hunt and being in a relationship force you to look at yourself from a more objective manner. sometimes, just feel so blardy useless and worthless. i look at what i have done in the past. great work, so much efforts put in... but basically amounts up to nothing that is really worth tokking about. but can't say i really regret what i have done or doubt the decisions i made. i know i have done good. i know i have been true to myself each step of the way. i know alot of ppl hated me for acting the way i did. i know many ppl will think i am wasting my life way. i know if only i am a little more flexible and bend my own rules alittle, i could have done so much more that will help me more in my job hunt or so call getting ahead in life. yet, i really really dun care. i can try to avoid making ppl angry, but i can't avoid what i feel needs to be done. i can only pray that as i grow older and hopefully get wiser with more experience, that i be able to do what i need to do and avoid making so many ppl upset.
my relationship with my girlfriend is going thru a rough patch now. i am trying to understand what this relationship is all about. what does it mean to be serious? what is the point of two ppl being together? it seems that we have pretty different answers to questions like this. what do you do, when you realise that the person you love, has been changing herself to accomodate this relationship as much as you have, but she is actually reluctant and sadden by all these changes? what do you do, when you realise that everytime when you try to do something for the person you love and to show your love, you end up only hurting her and in turns hurt yourself also? what do you do, when you try so hard to create a common future path for the two of you, but the one you love tells you that she wants to remain as an individual? it is so so so easy to just give up if things dun work out. move on and see if there is someone else that will match what you want. just that unfortunately i don't believe in that... but things become really difficult if the one you are with is resisting changes deep down inside and feels that she has to force and sacrifice herself too much for the relationship that we have. takes the effort of both to do this. i am getting tired for what i have been doing and always getting blamed for hurting her.
been awhile since i blogged. my life now leaves me little time for nostalgic moments. life has became a battlefield that i have to fight so hard for my own survival, that i dun even have the time to mourn my fallen comrades or the lost of youth and innocence. sad. barely have the time to look forward and prepare for the future...
posted by David at 4/17/2005 10:14:00 PM